hai5!

so…the date

if someone else was watching, he would say it went great. the showing we were shooting for was sold out, but we had a couple of glasses of wine and enjoyed pleasant small talk while waiting for the next. during the movie we held hands, cuddled close, chuckled together, shared awkward, sweet kisses over the bulky 3d glasses. (a brief aside: belle has definitely fallen a place or two down on my princess hierarchy; she is not the strong vocalist from my memory and a bit too dramatic for my tastes. beast couldn’t sing worth a damn, but gaston was incredible). i walked him to his door afterwards, kissed him goodnight, and went home.

great, right? well, it was great. we made a very handsome couple, if i do say so myself, and we had a lovely time. but, i could tell that even though he was enjoying himself, he was also uncomfortable. while we were having exactly the date i had envisioned, i could tell (chalk it up to my extensive experience with such boys) that he wasn’t sure he wanted to be on a date like that at all. 

we ended up talking on the phone that night for about an hour. he confirmed my suspicions, admitted he still had some soul searching to do with regard to his sexual identity. he’s gay and persian, so needless to say i expected as much, but still, i can’t say i wasn’t a bit disappointed. a younger self might have been more upset, but i simply said (in between his many apologies) that all that stuff should be figured out before you agree to date (and bed) awesome boys or you run the risk of complicating and bruising feelings. on one hand i pity his struggle; his issues are a lot like my issues and though i feel he’s late in working them out, i can certainly empathize. on the other hand, and this feeling is the one i’ll go with, i’m inclined to run. i figured all my stuff out years ago, i do not wish to trudge through it again, even vicariously, and he’s already put his insecurities ahead of my feelings. all too familiar.

on the weird third hand that i keep secret is the stubborn, indignant, flickering hope that a complete, fully formed gay man exists in new york city and is fond of disney movies.